Determination

by ParentCo. October 21, 2017

Chess Pawn Standing That Make A Shadow Of Queen

This is a submission in our monthly contest. October’s theme is Determination. What a mundane word: determination. Used so casually to describe the driving force behind menial tasks. “Sure took a lot of determination to carry all those groceries in by yourself.” To me, determination means so much more. Sometimes determination is all you have. Daylight breaks, warm rays of sun fall on your bed and face. Your eyes open and, for a moment, just a moment, you feel at peace. Pain. Pain hits you like a truck. It doesn’t trickle in from a tap, it pours in from a waterfall. You can feel it everywhere. As it sinks in, saturating your hopes for the day, your ambitions, your solitude, it meets a wall. This wall is my determination not to let chronic pain steal my day. Lists and lists of things that must be done…. Doctor appointments to book, parent and teacher interviews to arrange, bills to pay, a house to clean, dogs to walk, cats to feed, an Individual Program Plan to review, exams to study for, Low Vision and Autism information sites to read, and I will probably have to pee a few times. Did I take my meds? Give my son his meds? I must have. I do it twice a day, every day. There is the pain, still there, eating at me. Eight things off the list. Have I sat down yet? What can I postpone? I will get through this day. My pain won’t destroy me. I have unending determination. Made it. Sort of. I am behind on my chores, phone calls, studies, writing, marketing, health, and organization of a future for my little family. Me and my boys. We have a happy place in this world. We are finding our way. There are extracurricular and volunteering activities to attend to. That’s fun. Busy, but fun. We have colleges to look at, plans to make, and upcoming holidays. Terrifying, but fun. I can fit in my medical appointments, surgeries, and exams. Somewhere. As long as my son’s shunt doesn’t malfunction, as long as he doesn’t have a seizure, or my truck doesn’t break down, or…. I am determined to not let those things happen and have even more determination to handle them when they do. The day is moving quickly. A few new symptoms. What’s that about? My son had a headache at school and his aide was being “mean.” But hey, we are down to four headaches a week. That’s great news. No homework? Even better. Let’s cook together. Life skills for the future, boys! Plus, it’s fun. A bit hard to peel sweet potato when your back feels burned by stabbing hot pokers and your foot is half dead. Even more difficult to cook, make lunches, feed and walk dogs, deal with paperwork, and organize showers when you have more knots in your muscles than a lobster trap and the pain-induced nausea drowns your thoughts. Let’s do this. My determination will see me through. Finally, time to sleep. I hope I can sleep. The hours before I drift off are for reflecting, clenching the pain aside, taking mental inventory of coping resources: I kept my temper, didn’t lose my patience, listened to stories of grand dreams, computer games, Sci-fy books, girls, and heard a bit of bickering, of course. Smiles, laughter, stories, that’s what its all about. Goals, dreams, ambitions, that’s what it’s all for. Maybe I will get my degree, go back to work full time, become an accomplished author. Maybe my son will become the biologist and fabulous family man that he hopes to be, and possibly my other son will receive all the external supports he will require to be an independent adult and marry a movie star.... We will have bumps along the way. Chronic illness does that to you. But we have made it this far. We know a little determination goes a long way. And it carries all the groceries in, too.


ParentCo.

Author



Also in Conversations

family of three on a walk in the forest
25 Missions for Your Fall Bucket List

by ParentCo.

Do these awesome things with your family before the crunchy leaves are covered in snow.

Continue Reading

día de los muertos festival
Experience an Unforgettable Día de Muertos with Your Little One

by Tere Medina

Día de Muertos is one of the most special and beautiful traditions of Mexican culture. There are many reasons and ways to celebrate this day with your little one.

Continue Reading

father and son
5 Ways to Meaningfully Support a Friend Through a Miscarriage

by ParentCo.

You can support a friend during one of the most difficult things she’ll ever have to go through. She needs you. Here's how to show up in a way that matters.

Continue Reading