Imagine spending all this time and energy raising your kids, and then when you send them off to college someday, you still have to call to wake them up every morning to make sure they get to class on time. Sounds shocking, right? When I was in college 20 years ago, I can recall going multiple days, maybe even up to a couple of weeks, without communicating with my parents. Sure, this was before cell phones, text messaging, and Facebook, but it just wasn’t necessary to talk to my parents that often. They gave me plenty of freedom to live my own life and to explore and grow during those incredible years as I blossomed into an independent adult. Somehow, I figured out how to register for classes, study, eat, do laundry, meet new friends, get over break ups, and handle bad grades all on my own.
Nowadays high school graduates enter college as children, incapable of taking care of themselves. According to Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of "How To Raise An Adult" who recently spoke at my children's school, over-parenting and prolonged childhood are an epidemic in this country. As the Dean of Freshman at Stanford University (one of best universities in the world) for 10 years, Julie Lythcott-Haims witnessed firsthand some disturbing trends of college students. Although they were more successful on paper than ever before, with pages of accolades like awards, high test scores, leadership roles, varsity letters, overseas experiences, unique community service projects, etc., these students were also less familiar with who they were, and their own goals and dreams. So many of them appeared to be robot-like, blindly following the directions of their parents to participate in certain activities and take classes that would land them acceptance letters from the finest institutions possible.
She also noticed that these kids couldn’t do much for themselves, and still relied on mom and dad to help them. They were constantly on the phone with their parents asking for advice, and requesting that they take care of basic tasks like registering them for classes, sending them special packages, advising them on their homework, and even contacting professors if they did not receive the perfect grade.
How on earth will these young adults ever hold a job and function in the real world if they can’t take care of themselves during college? We hear a lot about how millennials are difficult to work with in the job market – self-entitled, narcissistic, lazy, and tough to manage.
Lythcott-Haims makes it very clear: we have no one to blame but ourselves. The patterns that lead to this detrimental behavior start right now, even if your kids are in Kindergarten. Are you one of these types of parents?
“If our children are to build self efficacy, then they need to do more of the thinking, planning, deciding, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming, and experiencing of life for themselves. We may ensure some short-term goals by over helping, but it comes as a long-term cost to their sense of self. We should be more concerned that they have the habits, skill set, mindset, and wellness to be successful no matter what their future holds.”
This all scares me because I want my children to be able to function without me, to fulfill their dreams and live happy, healthy, successful lives. Listening to her presentation really opened my eyes. And soon after hearing the stories about kids relying so much on their parents for everything, I had the opportunity to put this advice into practice. My fourth grader came home one day with two grades that he was unhappy about. He was sure that they were marked incorrectly. He lost five points on a map assignment that his teacher said was missing a scale, but he was certain that he had included it on his map. On the other assignment, it appeared that the teacher forgot to include two additional books that he read. My son was upset about the grades, but did not think he could do anything about it. My first instinct was to grab my phone and email these teachers right away to explain their clear grading mistakes. But then I stopped myself as I remembered what Julie Lythcott-Haims discussed. My son needed to learn how to speak to his teachers all by himself without me holding his hand. At first, he resisted and said he wasn’t allowed to question a teacher. I explained the importance of speaking up, as long as he is polite and respectful. I had a long talk with him and gave him pointers for how to approach his teachers. He came home the next day with a big smile on his face. It turned out that he was right about both assignments, and the teachers apologized for their errors and adjusted his grades. I was so proud of my son for handling this himself, and so proud of myself for realizing at this stage in the game that it is more important for me to teach him the skills he needs to take care of himself than me always protecting him. So, how can stop doing everything for our kids? Here are some steps to get started on this whole new parenting perspective.
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